Conscious Dating for 2022: How to date with intent & build confident, honest & lasting relationships
HELP! I’m in a new relationship and I don’t know what to do.
It can be really scary when you start a new relationship; especially when you have been with someone else for a long time and got used to their ways.
It doesn’t matter if what you left behind was difficult, it’s still uncomfortable leaving the familiar, even when it’s ultimately better.
When I decided I was going to look online for a new partner, I wanted to make sure I didn’t make the same mistakes again. That meant looking at myself and really digging deep.
There was no point in blaming the other person for our relationship failing (although that is much easier to do, and for a time it’s satisfying). I had to look inside myself and acknowledge the part I played in order to create a better relationship moving forward.
I had to work on me.
That’s terrifying!
What if I find out that I’m a crazy person?
What if I don’t like me?
What if I have to remove this mask I’ve been wearing, and others don’t like what they see?
What if I can’t find anyone to have the sort of relationship I want to have?
Working on yourself is one of the hardest things you can do, and also the most rewarding.
When I made the decision to go online and find my “perfect match”, I did it consciously, with intent.
I knew now what I wanted (and what I didn’t) and I wasn’t willing to tolerate anything less than that anymore.
What if this was a big mistake and that person was not out there?
But I knew they were, I had invested in myself, I had worked out what my past was and where I wanted my future to be. I had done a relationship course.
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What did I do on my first date?
I turned up with 30 questions. Not your average “what to talk about on a first date” style questions. This was the big stuff.
Now, when I tell this story, people look at me like I’ve totally lost it and they think Matt was a Saint for sticking around. But here’s the thing, we had answered the big stuff. All those things that we do think about but are too scared to ask.
You know the questions 3 months down the line you are dying to know but it feels too early, too late or too awkward? We had done all of that already.
Could the answer have been something I didn’t want to hear? Absolutely! That’s the whole point. I could have moved on quickly if that had been the case. I’m not talking about the “he doesn’t like ketchup, that’s just weird” (it is weird) type things.
Here are the most important questions I asked on our first date *:
What books and podcasts are in your list?
What do you define as your ideal relationship?
What qualities do you want most in your partner?
What are your non-negotiables?
What did you learn from your past relationships?
What part did you play in your last relationship ending?
What would you do differently?
What are your biggest relationship fears?
How much quality time do you need with your partner and how much time do you need on your own?
Here's the list of questions I used, plus some of my own.
This might seem a lot of ground to cover on the first date, especially for introverts, but it set the groundwork for how we could build the relationship without games and second guessing.
3 months down the line, there was no need to wonder about marriage, whether we wanted kids etc, those questions were answered up front. There was no room for false expectations and disappointment.
We did the same questions a year later and many of the answers had changed, a lot in some cases. This was a great way to see how much we had evolved as individuals, not just as a couple.
When I think back to past relationships, I can feel that internal conflict of “do I say what I’m thinking?”, “what if he doesn’t like it?”, “what if I cause an argument?”.
So, I would stay quiet, I would boil inside because I needed the answer. Then I would explode when I couldn’t hold it in any longer. At that point there would be an argument down to a whole host of issues usually me being disappointed, them being confused.
It was such a waste of energy!
Ways to communicate what is going on in your head:
Ask questions. When my last partner got cross because I asked “too many awkward questions” after I asked what he loved about me, I knew it was over. Asking questions is essential to good communication. If we don’t ask questions, we find ourselves guessing.
Listen to the other person’s answer. Hear what they have to say before you bite. (I have to confess, I sometimes forget to listen but when I am reminded, it doesn’t make me cross, I sit back and think, yes, that’s what I agreed to do and I’m not doing it).
When you are putting your viewpoint forward, let it be known that it is your opinion, you are not necessarily correct, but you need to be heard.
Self-reflection
And I’m sure you want to know how I felt once I had looked at myself, was it as scary as I thought?
I realised I had made mistakes along the way, but I was able to forgive myself.
I learned that I have grown so much over the last 5 years.
I acknowledged that I still have a lot of growing to do, and that was going to be not only possible but empowering.
We grow every day of our lives; we have the choice of whether it is consciously or unconsciously. I know which one works best for me.
If you want to grow consciously in your relationships with others, or yourself, book a free introductory call.
*(questions from Jourdan Blue – relationship therapist)
How can an Introductory Call benefit me?
I know (as someone with introvert tendencies), having a call may feel like the last thing in the world you would want to do. I know that feeling of staring at the phone thinking, I really want to do something but this feels very scary. In all honesty, I still feel the same for a second when the phone starts to ring!
The reason it is important is that we need to know if we want to work with each other. This works 2 ways.
Building a relationship where you feel confident enough to tackle some deep issues with me starts here. Before you part with any money, before you commit to 3, 6 or 12 months deep work, we both need to know it's the right thing for you.
Because I understand how hard it is, booking the introductory call via the website creates the whole initial link. You get the meeting time you want, you receive the zoom link and reminders and then, when the time comes, we have an informal chat about what you want out of all of this. I will guide you the whole way and during this first call, we will already begin to design the life you want.
How I can help
My 1-1 programs will give you the focus, challenge and direction to find what you are looking for.
My membership will surround you with inspiring and positive people.
My Emails, YouTube and Social Media posting will give you the daily boost you need to know you are not alone, others are going through similar things and it is possible to change if you choose to.
Take the first steps towards your own Powerful Life.
Jenny Jarvis is a practicing, certified, UK Holistic Life Change Coach and NLP Practitioner who has empowered numerous people to live a life of their dreams, unleash their relationship with money and start and grow brands and businesses to great success. A truly inspirational individual, Jenny is also the mum to two amazing teens, a Reiki Master and motivational speaker. She inspires all to harness their greatness through energised coaching sessions, workshops and her membership club.
Book a free introductory session with Jenny and discovery how you might work together.
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