I feel stuck! - creating empathy boundaries
I feel so stuck!
I can’t fix things.
I try so hard, but it’s just not possible. People ask how life is and I say, “much better”. And I believe it for those few minutes, sometimes even hours. Then it all seems to collapse around me.
The things that are collapsing are not in my control. They are other people and the actions of others.
One thing I know from all my training is that you cannot control other people, even your kids.
It’s simply not possible to make others want more for themselves, just because you want more for them.
It’s not possible to stop someone behaving badly, just because you wish it were different.
You can guide, lead by example and offer a listening ear, but you cannot make someone be or do what they won’t.
This can be a hard lesson.
It can be frustrating.
It can hold you back from living your life.
When this happens, I look at the alternative options for me.
Instead of feeling frustrated for someone else not doing anything, how can I use that as motivation for my life?
Instead of feeling angry at the legal system that puts women in a vulnerable position, how do I create the security for myself?
Instead of feeling hurt because you feel you’ve done everything you can but it’s not enough, because it’s not about you, how do I step back and do less for others and more for me?
When do things get better?
This is often easier said than done. In the past I would have spent days, weeks and months making myself ill over these things. Now they are fleeting. I get back to the space where “things are getting better” much more quickly.
I share this because, even when you have done a lot of work on yourself, life still happens. Life will always happen because we can’t control everything, we can only control how we deal with it.
It can be so easy to get stuck in the mud, wading through everyone else’s mess. This is not what I want for anyone around me, so it’s not what I want for myself either.
This isn’t about being selfish, it’s about acknowledging how much worse things can get if you let others drag you down with them, whoever they are.
I'm an Empath
Empathy is something I find easy, I’ve been doing it my whole life. But empathy also needs boundaries.
Do you put boundaries in for your own empathy?
If you feel like you are doing everything and getting nothing in return, if you feel frustrated because no one is doing what you expect or would like, here’s some questions to ponder.
Are you in full empathy because you get something out of it too?
How is being in empathy long-term helping the other person?
How much empathy can you give without wiping yourself out in the process?
How can you stay empathetic to yourself at the same time as others?
Are you addicted to empathy?
Empathetic Drama
I used to love the drama of a good dose of empathy. Feeling right there in with my friends and family through whatever trauma they were experiencing. I would climb in the hole with them trying to work out how to rescue us both, while the other person didn't really want rescuing. This is not healthy and it makes you stuck.
I’m not talking lack of empathy, we know those people and they are hard to be around, I’m talking boundaried empathy. And that takes time to learn and practice.
I remember getting very ill through things that had absolutely nothing to do with me at all because I felt so bad for the person. This is not helpful, this is just adding to the negative vibration.
As I felt my own frustration and disappointment I had to step away. Stepping away is hard but when I look at the other options, they won’t help long term.
What do you need to step away from, or at least create some boundaries?
And remember, if you are a fixer too, sometimes there is nothing we can fix. Not being able to fix can feel almost painful.
If you want to fix and empathise with everything and everyone and it is making life hard, my 30 free coaching videos could help you with all the tools I use every day to let go of things I cannot control and start to control myself instead.
If you love a bit of drama, and a bit of empathy, look out for my new podcast, coming soon called The Drama Dialogues.
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If you want to learn how to manage your own levels of empathy and fixing and start doing something that benefits you, book a call with me or, you can now sign up for my new 30 day coaching challenge and receive a video in your inbox each day with all the tools I use to help me when I can't fix others and I've spent too long in empathy.
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Jenny Jarvis is a UK Life Change Coach and NLP Practitioner who has empowered her clients to live a life of their dreams, unleash their relationship with money and start and grow brands and businesses to great success. A truly inspirational individual, Jenny is also the mum to two amazing teens, a Reiki Master and motivational speaker.
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