How can I understand someone when they don't make sense to me?
What is a Presupposition?
In NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming), we have a series of beliefs called presuppositions. It is something we believe to be true without question. These beliefs allow us to influence our own attitude to the world.
Presuppositions allow the NLP practitioner to expand their mind and be flexible to the client's needs.
I am going to discuss 2 presuppositions that have been profound for me. It can be difficult to live by these to begin with but, with practice and conscious thought, the more you do, the better we can see the world accepting those around us who may think differently.
Every behaviour has a positive intention
How could it possibly benefit us to have a belief like this?
We look at behaviour around us which may seem unfair, unkind, unhelpful, even illegal and think, how on earth can there be a positive intention around that?
The thing is with positive intentions, they aren't always for the wider world. Sometimes the positive intention is for the person themselves.
The burglar who steals from an old lady may not be a nice person but the positive intention for him may be to feed his kids, feed his habit or make himself feel power over someone else.
The person who cuts you up on a roundabout may be trying to get somewhere important to them, there may be an emergency, they may just think they are a better driver than you.
There are also people who say things to, and about, others which may be unkind. What is their positive intention?
If we are on the receiving end, it can be difficult to see, however, I have discovered it is helpful to diffuse all sorts of situations when I learned this presupposition.
It allows me to look at what the other person is getting out of their actions.
It allows me to understand that it isn't about, or against, me at all.
It is simply that they are getting something positive out of it for them.
That shifts the hurt and discomfort and creates understanding.
Perhaps they are feeling unsure of themselves.
Perhaps they are looking for someone to blame.
Perhaps they are looking to create a discussion they need to have.
Perhaps being mean to me makes them feel superior.
In looking for the positive intention, we can free ourselves from our own hurt feelings, frustration and sense of unfairness.
The Map is not the Territory.
The territory is the world we live in. If we were to go into space we would see the world, all the countries, everything exactly as it is.
The map is the image we draw in our own minds of the world. When we draw our impression of the world, we do not include every wobble of the coastline, every tiny stream, every blade of grass, we make a representation and it can never be 100% accurate.
Your own map (everyone's is individual to them) is built up of past experiences, beliefs, values, upbringing and many other aspects.
Imagine walking into a restaurant. You sit at a table next to someone who has the same meal, same service, everything the same. You walk out and say "what an amazing meal". They walk out and say "that was terrible, I will never go back".
Your experience is built on your experiences, expectations, likes, dislikes and whether you grew up around people who found fault in everything or people who always looked on the bright side.
When we look at a situation and think we could do better than someone else, try looking at it as a map.
We have our map and the other person has theirs.
What could be on their map that is different to ours, which helps us to look from their point of view?
When we appreciate that other people work from a slightly (or very) different map, we can open our mind to the possibility that there is another way to the way we would do it and that everyone is just doing their best with what they have.
NLP can help to change the map a person works from by removing or altering unhelpful roads and allow greater freedom of behaviour.
Using this presupposition has been particularly helpful during COVID. It has allowed me to look at people, organisations, government, other countries and see why they may be reacting in ways that we either wouldn't expect or don't agree with. Does doing something different to me or anyone else make it wrong? Or does it mean that they have different information to me and therefore their map is different?
When we become conscious of our thoughts, the effect we can have on others, and how others may see things, it can free us to open our minds and our hearts to the possibility that....
People make the best choice they can at the time
(yes, another presupposition).
If you are ready to start taking control of how you think, react and live so you can design the life you really want, book a free introductory call.
How can an Introductory Call benefit me?
I know (as someone with introvert tendencies), having a call may feel like the last thing in the world you would want to do. I know that feeling of staring at the phone thinking, I really want to do something but this feels very scary. In all honesty, I still feel the same for a second when the phone starts to ring!
The reason it is important is that we need to know if we want to work with each other. This works 2 ways.
Building a relationship where you feel confident enough to tackle some deep issues with me starts here. Before you part with any money, before you commit to 3, 6 or 12 months deep work, we both need to know it's the right thing for you.
Because I understand how hard it is, booking the introductory call via the website creates the whole initial link. You get the meeting time you want, you receive the zoom link and reminders and then, when the time comes, we have an informal chat about what you want out of all of this. I will guide you the whole way and during this first call, we will already begin to design the life you want.
How I can help
My 1-1 programs will give you the focus, challenge and direction to find what you are looking for.
My membership will surround you with inspiring and positive people.
My Emails, YouTube and Social Media posting will give you the daily boost you need to know you are not alone, others are going through similar things and it is possible to change if you choose to.
Take the first steps towards your own Powerful Life.
Have a Powerful Day!
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Jenny Jarvis is a practicing, certified, UK Holistic Life Change Coach and NLP Specialist who has empowered numerous people to live a life of their dreams, unleash their relationship with money and start and grow brands and businesses to great success. A truly inspirational individual, Jenny is also the mum to two amazing teens, a Reiki Master and motivational speaker. She inspires all to harness their greatness through energised coaching sessions, workshops and her membership club. Book a free introductory session with Jenny HERE and discovery how you might work together. Or why not get started with her FREE 'Life Change Kickstart' Mini course HERE
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